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Dr Elizabeth Celi's Blog
Do you see red? 10 steps to anger management
Let’s get one thing straight. Anger is a normal emotion. It’s how it’s managed and expressed that matters. Anger management is something men and women need to learn as a key psychological skill.
People seem to consciously or unconsciously aim to “never be angry”, which is unrealistic given we can’t escape feeling angry at times. Mostly people try to be rid of anger forever, because they have a fear of confrontation. Who doesn’t?! Confrontation is not a pleasant thing and most people don’t enjoy it.
Where people undo themselves is incorrectly interpreting having a disagreement, which may involve a lot of feelings such as frustration, anger and discomfort, as “confrontation”. This doesn’t need to be the case. It’s more a matter of managing uncomfortable feelings and circumstances while the matter is being nutted out.
A key area where anger is misunderstood is men's anger.
Anger is such an important gateway to other underlying emotions and concerns for men that it's unrealistic and unfair to ignore it or get scared of it. Unfortunately many misinterpret that mens anger will equate to violent behaviour of some sort, sometimes even men themselves.
Both men and women who haven’t learned to manage their anger can be dangerous to others, let’s not kid ourselves. Jumping to conclusions that only mens anger is dangerous is not helping anyone to acknowledge this normal emotion is a signal that something isn’t right. So learning to manage it and harness it’s energy for productive use is important for both men and women.
A media interview I did with the Herald Sun Body and Soul goes through more point for “How men can beat their anger” – click here to read the article
10 steps to managing anger and seeing RED..... in a good way!
For all of us, if anger is in the mix, what then?
- Acknowledge that anger is a normal emotion
- Recognize that anger is a naturally heated and energising emotion. Think about it, it hardly makes us want to go to sleep in a flash does it?
- Realise that the heat and energy of anger can be a reactive explosion in the moment or it can be a signal that there’s something important going on for you internally.
- If you choose the former option, inevitably you’ll have a whole lot of mess to clean up, which will take more time and energy than if you do step 5 instead!
- By choosing the latter option of point 3, that is recognise it’s a signal for something important, you then realise that you can control the anger, the anger doesn’t control you.
- How do you manage it and harness it?
- See a big red STOP sign in your imagination and do what it says – “STOP”!
- Breathe deep, acknowledge you’re angry and that it’s a normal emotion
- Take 10 deep breaths before even trying to understand your anger. This will take all of 1-2 minutes. If you can’t give yourself 1-2 minutes, then prepare to waste more time cleaning up the mess mentioned in point 4.
- Avoid spitting out words or directing your anger energy to anyone in anyway at this moment. No matter how tempting it is, the cons outweigh the benefits
- After the 10 breaths, has the anger energy dissipated a little? I’m not saying gone away but has the edge come off? If not, another 10 breaths please! If you haven’t yet learnt to sit with the anger energy to the point that you control it, rather than it control you, then you won’t have had the chance to develop the ability to appropriately reason during your anger energy, so don’t kid yourself.
- Once the anger energy has dissipated, ask yourself what got you so angry.
- What was said? What was done?
- What is how it was said?
- What bothers you about it so much?
- By getting some answers to these questions, you already have the material to manage the situation and person/s that triggered off your anger.
9. Formulate some non-blaming and informative statements that include the answers you came up with in point 8. For example, “I got angry when I heard you say …..” or “When someone says….., I get angry because…..”
10. Consider whether saying something now is necessary and as urgent as the anger makes you think it is. Sometimes waiting till tomorrow or 1-2 days, when you’ve slept on it, can help you express the underlying concern that showed itself as anger.
Be careful though, if you don’t address it at all, make sure it’s because you’ve worked it out within yourself and chosen to let go of the anger, genuinely. If you’re storing it just to use as ammunition a few weeks, months or years down the track, then not only are you giving anger a home to eat you up inside, you’re also diminishing the quality of your relationship when you bring it up out of context later on.
A psychologist can help you learn what your anger is trying to tell you and how you can best manage it.
Remember, anger is an energising emotion and so being able manage the intense energy and harness it for productive use is like turning yourself into a solar panel! You learn to work with your anger and make it a win/win for anyone involved without unnecessary mess to clean up.
Cheers,
Dr. Elizabeth Celi
Photo above courtesy of photostock, image obtained at - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125
Posted by Dr. Elizabeth Celi on 12th February, 2012 | Comments | Trackbacks | Permalink
Tags: womens anger, mens anger, emotions, anger, anger and men, anger management
Forget the New Year's Resolutions - Happy New Year of Experiences
The New Year of 2012 is on it's way!
Forget the “New Years Resolutions” made on a whim, they’re short lived and tend to eventually make you feel like you’ve failed at something.
Instead, look at what you’ve achieved over 2011 and see how that’s prepared you to make 2012 all you want it to be.
Download your complimentary audio here – What will the New Year be about, for you?
What has 2011 been about for you? What do you want 2012 to be about, for you?
Have a listen to this complimentary audio to help you get into the space to leave 2011 behind and venture into 2012 with loads of fun, excited anticipation and enthusiasm you can follow through with.
Download your complimentary audio here - What will the New Year be about, for you?
Here to your Quality Living!
Have a sensational NYE - New Year of Experiences
Dr. Elizabeth Celi
Posted by Dr. Elizabeth Celi on 28th December, 2011 | Comments | Trackbacks | Permalink
Tags: healh and wellbeing, wellbeing, psychologist, men's health, Christmas, New Years Eve
It’s Christmas- presents or presence?
The silly season is here. People getting stressed out about car parking, spending probably more money than necessary not to mention having more food and alcohol than the digestive system can actually take! We like to punish ourselves don’t we?!!
Listening to the radio the other week one of the callers was commenting on how annoying Christmas is because they have to spend time with family they don’t get along with. What struck me was that they said they hardly saw them during the year.
I wondered two things. Why did they “have to”? Why bother making a big deal about getting together on Christmas day with people you actually don’t want to be with, especially when you don’t even see them over the year?
Trying to get along by just getting together and giving presents on one particular day, like Christmas, isn’t going to make up for the lack of presence over the year.
The kind of quality presence of sharing time and space and getting to know one another, that could help the relationships develop and grow into something enjoyable.
I might be sounding cynical or perhaps challenging what Christmas has become, perhaps trying to remember what the spirit of Christmas is really about. It makes me stop and think because at this time of year there are people who are no longer able to spend time with their family, partner, or kids who they would dearly like to share the time with. For some reason or another, separation, soldiers overseas or blocks and obstacles of many sorts, are getting in the way. Even if they have a present for them, they can’t be present WITH THEM to give it to them.
So how about trying some P-R-E-S-E-N-C-E instead? Even if it’s 5 minutes on the phone, 10 minute skype time, 1 hour of contact time or a whole day of cramming in the Christmas spirit, see if you can make any of the elements of P-R-E-S-E-N-C-E, or all of them, work for you and who you’re hanging out with;
Playfulness: Keep it real. Kids love that especially
Remember: The value of having good friends and family in your life, even if only 1 or 2.
Enjoy: The simple things when sharing space with someone, nothing like making a genuine connection
Sincerity: In choosing who you hang out with, be yourself and chill out. It takes excess energy to pretend.
Energised: By what you are doing and who you truly enjoy being around, let the good vibes roll.
Notice: The kind of energy you’re giving out – does it give good vibes to the space?
Communicate: Something that you value of that person in your life, keep it simple, keep it real.
Excitement: That you’re alive and well, using your limbs & able to think & reason as best you can.
Challenges will always be there but they can also be teachers and presents in disguise.
Have a Merry Christmas with loads of PRESENCE and make sure
you see in 2012 with loads more laughter, fun and joy.
See you in 2012!
Posted by Dr. Elizabeth Celi on 23rd December, 2011 | Comments | Trackbacks | Permalink
Tags: depression, presents, divorce, separation, christmas, psychologist
Book officially launched and readers starting to converse
The book is out in bookstores and conversations are happening!
The book was officially launched last week. It's in bookstores this month and conversations about this silent issue are growing!
Pre-launch offers of the book saw books being ordered from around Australia, New Zealand and the USA. Emails and callers are letting me know how much this book was needed. Men thanking me for putting in black and white and making what they experienced clearer in their mind. One man's wife said to him "Really, your ex-wife did all that to you??!". As a psychologist, that's gratifying to know a need is being met and this issue is starting more effective conversations.
It's only the beginning!
Attendees at the launch had some magnificent questions and comments that really showed the personal, social and professional considerations surrounding this topic. A lot needs to be done as we Break the Silence and assist male victims get the much needed support they seldom get.
It struck me as I reviewed the statistics to really help male victims get the help they need and rebuild their lives.
We have a problem with female aggression and abuse.
In our own Australian Bureau of Statistics Personal Survey, while 38% of women reported they'd experienced physical assault by their male partner, we don't often hear that 33% of those women also reported being physically assaulted by a female stranger and then 33% of those women were also physically assaulted by a female friend or family member. The 38% and 33% of assaults by the different groups aren't all that different.
So what are we doing about female aggression and abuse?
If we're going to help reduce the abuse, seriously, for male victims, we have to address the issue of female abuse and aggression.
When the same Safety Survey indicated that 27% of men experience physical assault by their female partner, then another 45% experience physical assault by a female friend or family member, I wonder what we need to do to assist male victims and female perpetrators get the assistance they need.
What are your thoughts on this?
Yours in Quality Living
Dr. Elizabeth Celi
Posted by Dr. Elizabeth Celi on 6th December, 2011 | Comments | Trackbacks | Permalink
Tags: abuse, violence against men, family violence, domestic violence, men's health
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